We judge people and situations constantly based on our own frame of reference.

If we’re extroverts, we might consider those who don’t speak up meek or timid; if we’re introverts, we might judge extroverts as forthright or pushy.  Neither judgment is considered a positive by the person making it.

When I was a manager of a department, I asked for agenda items at the beginning of weekly staff meetings. I assumed that silent staff weren’t interested or had nothing to say. After our department took the Myers Briggs test, I learned the quiet staff were introverts who preferred to get the agenda in advance so they could think about their responses ahead of time. It was a great lesson in the danger of assumptions and the importance of acknowledging different working styles.

Finding common ground means looking beyond stereotypes and trying to understand the issue or situation from the other person’s perspective.

It means being open to listening to the other person’s viewpoint – not like a cat ready to spring with our response, but really hearing what they say. Sometimes it helps to summarize what the person has said to be sure you have understood their message – which lets the speaker feel heard and gives them a chance to restate their message if it wasn’t fully understood.  It means asking questions for further clarification.

It doesn’t mean we need to agree. When I really disagree with someone and neither of us is going to change our minds, I often like to say “Let’s agree to disagree on this issue.” This at least provides a common ground ending on that topic.

Finding common ground requires emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is understanding and taking responsibility for our feelings, and showing respect for other people’s feelings. It includes several key components:

1. Self Awareness - The ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions and drives, as well as their effect on others.
2. Self regulation - The ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods; the ability to suspend judgment – to think before acting.
3. Empathy – The ability to understand the emotional make up of other people; skill in treating people according to their emotional reactions.
4. Social skill - Proficiency in managing relationships and building networks; an ability to find common ground and build rapport.

Building Common Ground Begins with Personal Spiritual Practice

My practice includes taking personal responsibility for my words and actions, being mindful of the impact of my words and actions on others and making adjustments where necessary, caring about the wellbeing and feelings of others, and nurturing my relationships.

To nurture my relationships – at work, at home, with friends – I need to be sure that each relationship is free of misunderstandings and conflict. Where misunderstandings occur, and of course they do, I take time to speak with the person with as open mind as I can to talk about the misunderstanding and what we can both do to clear it.

The more open I am, the more able I am to hear any concern and make amends or adjustments in my words or actions. Sometimes the misunderstanding is just that – and talking about it clears up confusion. Sometimes it’s a difference of opinion or upset about different ways of doing things, and talking about it honestly can dissipate the energy and lead to healing. I don’t need to change my mind – just understand their perspective.

Intent is key!

When talking with someone about a misunderstanding, is my intention to heal the difference, or do I want to score points or get back at the person? Clearly, a healing intention supports common ground, while the intent to score points shatters it.

When I speak up with an intent to heal, I am vulnerable and I open the door to a deeper kind of dialogue. I have found that misunderstandings or even conflict have deepened a relationship if both of us are willing to be vulnerable and to really listen.

I encourage you to review your relationships.  Check your intention, and see if there are conversations you might want to have to clear up differences – you may be very glad you did.

Blessings,

Kimberly Weichel

Without spiritual practice, how can we possibly discern how best to spend our time and money on building peace when the needs are so huge and often contradictory? Without spiritual practice, how can we move from overwhelm and exhaustion, into the state of grace, where peaceful abundance can naturally escalate?

Sharing Stories of Hope as a Spiritual Practice

The human business that most concerns me now is peace.  Last week I was deeply disturbed by Obama’s Afghanistan war escalation speech, an armed robbery on the street where I live, the break-in of a friend’s car in San Francisco, and the growing disparity between the haves and have-nots throughout the world.  I don’t know how to make peace in the world, but I do know how to share powerful stories you may have missed in the general media about peace-building practices that work.

Stories inform and inspire.  We need lots of them, and we need them from many sources. The first of the following two stories came from Stephen Colbert and Bill Moyers. The second came from a colleague who had recently bought a peace basket at Macy’s to support the reconciliation movement in Rwanda.

Peace-making is too important to be left to the generals and people in power.  Without our individual and grassroots participation and leadership, peace-making won’t happen.  May the stories that follow stir your own courage and creativity.

From Liberia:  A Model for Casting Out a Dictator and Warlords

Just a few years ago, Liberia was a killing ground run by a corrupt dictator and competing warlords. Then Christian women began praying for peace in their churches.  Muslim women joined them, creating a coalition previously unknown in Liberia.  That led to a sex strike like that in the ancient Greek drama, Lysistrata.

No more sex, the women told their men, until you stop the fighting and make your friends stop fighting.  They then pulled out other motherly weapons, like shaming the warriors, sit-ins, and forcing the men to the peace table. Now the dictator has been banished from the country, the warlords are out of power; and the first freely elected female president rules in Africa.

Last week, I finally got the DVD about the transformation in Liberia, Pray the Devil Back to Hell.   It’s an amazing lesson in the power of commitment, courageous coalitions, and persistence.

From Rwanda:  Reconciliation after Violence

In Rwanda, over a million citizens were slaughtered by their neighbors in 1994. In 2003, the overburdened courts of the Rwandan government began releasing into the community tens of thousands of confessed genocide murderers.

While in prison, many of these murderers were touched by a prison ministry led by, among others, a clergyman who had lost many members of his own family. They felt remorse and sought reconciliation into the community. 10,000 of them have asked to help build homes through the Living Bricks Initiative, which equips repentant genocide perpetrators with the tools to build much-needed housing for their victims’ families.  The vision is to “establish new villages where former killers and survivors live together again as neighbors through practical reconciliation.”

Act by act, person by person, the possibility of sustainable peace grows there. It’s a great role model for restorative justice everywhere, on a one-to-one or larger scale.

We So Need More Stories of Successful Grass Roots Peace Movements

If I had my way, we’d spend way more on helping more people to have more courage of their convictions throughout the world and way less on military actions or prisons.  We’d all know and honor the peacemakers of Rwanda and Liberia, who truly are much more interesting than celebrities or political speculations of any kind.  We’d help each other see how these role models can inspire our own peace-making.

One small step in this direction for me was to buy four copies of Pray the Devil Back to Hell and to lend them out so many small groups can watch it and ask each other, “how am I called to take a stand here in my neighborhood and elsewhere?”  Next month, I’ll add a film about peace-building in Rwanda, “As We Forgive,”  with the same questions.

What’s your next step?

As always, many blessings,

Pat McHenry Sullivan